There's more and better material under the "Links" section, but these are fun in their own right.
Taken from Utne Reader -
"Have you noticed? The whole world is looking for a job right now, here in the midst of all this economic recovery (yeah, right). The worse the economy gets, the more everybody wants to grab his or her own special place as an insignificant cog in the economic machinery and realize that New American Dream: subsistence wages and a cheap apartment on a bus line.The odds are ugly. Despite the fact that the media suddenly got bored with the whole subject (they, after all, have jobs... sort of), there are still 8 million people officially recognized as unemployed, and another 5 million that even the government considers underemployed. Taking into account the flawed methodology in gathering such statistics, throw in a few million more, then add all the disgruntled, dissatisfied employed folks desperately trying to network their way out of the dreadful jobs they've got. Add `em up and whoa! you've got virtually 100 percent of the American workforce out there playing a nasty, cutthroat game of musical jobs.
We all know the most important qualifications: age, sex, race, religion, marital status, political affiliation, sexual orientation, credit rating, who you know, and how you look. And never you mind the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. No one gives a shit what color your parachute is."
Kathryn Carmony
From Lumpen (April 1995). Subscriptions: $30/yr (12 issues) from 2558 . Armitage Ave., Chicago, IL 60647.
WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS WHAT IT MEANS Advancement opportunity Shit job Entry Level Really a shit job No experience necessary The mother of all shit jobs Administrative Assistant Shit job with a title Ground floor opportunity Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year Progressive company Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday Team Player Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities Upbeat personality Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year. Word Processing Skills Essential There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important $20K/year job that requires a $100K/year wardrobe Pleasant telephone manner Be the voice of 1-900-SUCK Earn up to $300/hour! Be 1-900-SUCK Salary range $24,000 to $32,000 The salary is $24,000 Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions Will train Prior conviction of a feony or two no problem B.A. required, master's preferred Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary Civil service This job was filled from the inside six months ago Women & minorities encouraged to apply White males need not waste the stamp Outstanding benefits package Health insurance Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one job Top-notch communication skills Telemarketing Beautiful offices in attractive location Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting Secretary Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker Executive secretary The most powerful position in any company Dedicated You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement Salary commensurate We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like Salary negotiable We'll take the lowest bidder Competitive salary We'll pa you up to 10 percent more than your last job, and not one penny more Competitive starting salary Ten cents above minimum wage Pleasant atmosphere A staff of pod people Professional atmosphere Zombie pod people Fun, creative atmosphere Pod people from hell Dynamic atmosphere Zombie pod people from hell Gal Friday Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it Self-starter Open to broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means